ENG 162 Fall 2013

ENG 162 at Eastern Maine Community College in Bangor ME, taught by John A. (Don't ever, ever ask!) Goldfine johngoldfine@gmail.com

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Two more risky pieces

There I was, sitting in the Doctors office waiting to have my blood taken. “Now why are you taking the HIV test again?” the Doctor said as he entered into the room. “I have a fight coming up in 2 weeks, I mean; I don’t think I have AIDS…just have to get it for precautionary reasons,” I said as I leaned back in the chair.

“Okay that’s good. Now I know you requested the mouth swab, but unfortunately the shipment didn’t come in today, so we’re going to have draw some blood.” Oh shit, I thought.

“That means needles doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does. Do you want to wait or have it done later?”

“Fuck it,” I said with a great sigh, “Let’s get it done with now.”

“Do you have a phobia of needles?” He asked as he took out a new syringe.

“Umm…you could say that. But I’ll suck it up.” I said as I closed my eyes. You could also say that “phobia of needles” was an understatement. I hated them with a passion, but as long as I didn’t look at the needle, I would be fine.

“Alright,” he said as he stuck the needle into my arm. I felt a little bit of a piercing in my arm and that’s when I did it: I looked down and saw it; the long thin needle grinding deeper and deeper into my arm. Instantly I felt a rush of panic run over me and I slouched over gasping for air. Black little dots filled my vision as I looked down to see my shirt covered in sweat. I needed to stand up.

“Get that fuckin’ thing out of my arm!” I said in terror as I tried to get to my feet.

“It’s out,” the doctor said as he realized my state of being. “Don’t stand up,” the Doctor ordered, “You’re going to pass out.” I was going to pass out. I could feel my arms tingling and being so weak that I was glued to my chair, unable to get up. Gasping for air, it felt as if I was hyperventilating and I stayed fastened in the chair taking deep breaths for what seemed to be eternity. Finally after a few moments passed, I returned to normal and was able to stand up. I looked in the mirror to see a ghost white figure staring back at me drenched with sweat.

“Wow,” the Doctor said, “Its strange how you can get in there and taking a beating from somebody but when it comes to needles you’re scared to death.” That was a great argument that the Doctor had pointed out. How is it that I am able to maintain my composure in combat with a professional fighter but when it comes to needles, I crumble in an instance?

All my life I have been warned of the dangers that come with needles; the use of drugs, overdoses, HIV and other illnesses. I can recall watching the movie The Dentist when the dentist shoves the needle into the patient’s neck and shoots an air bubble that goes into his brain and kills his patient. The very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn’t help much that I am a disease freak. I hate the thought of diseases and living with one such as HIV would probably drive me into insanity or to suicide; whichever came first. Movies such as Philadelphia, I couldn’t watch because I would get sick to my stomach watching as the HIV virus ate away at the star actor. I guess whenever I see a needle being stuck into my arm; I picture myself being injected with the HIV and other deadly viruses.

Some people say that I am just paranoid, and need to quit being such a baby, but let me ask you this: have you seen how long some of those needles are? I mean damn, my arm can’t be anymore than two inches thick before you hit bone and I swear that needle is grinding into my arm like a jackhammer on pavement. Imagine that needle ripping through flesh and muscle, spitting mucus and snot everywhere as it sucks the blood out of your arm like a human parasite. Then imagine that it finally hits bone, but the doctor sees the bone as just an “obstacle” and will not let it stop her from doing her job, so she pushes the needle in even deeper and deeper. The doctor is struggling so hard now that she has to whip out a hammer and finally starts nailing that fucking syringe in there “just to draw some blood”. By the time she’s finally sucked all the blood out of you she now has to endure the task of taking the needle out. But it’s not that simple, for she has drilled the son of a bitch into your arm and the syringe is now sticking out through the other side. “Hold on one second,” the doctor says as she climbs up onto the table of which your arm is lying on, leans over, grabs the needle and precedes to deadlift the needle out of my arm. The doctor begins to strain and looks as if she might pull something so you ask her, “Do you need a weight lifting belt miss?” “No, that’s all right. I’m a world class power lifter…I can handle this.” She tugs and tugs and finally pulls the syringe from my arm leaving a gapping hole the size of a quarter that is spraying blood everywhere. “Is this normal?” you ask. “Yes, it’s just a flesh wound,” she says as she covers your wound with a gauze pad. Now ask yourself if you want to have some blood taken from your arm?

If you think this is all bad enough, just now think that you have to pay for it. That’s right; you’re hard earned money is going towards this blood sucking spawn of Satan. After all the Doctor’s hard work and labor of drilling a syringe into your arm, while you’re trying to keep yourself from passing out after the massacre to your arm; you have to reach into your wallet and hand the doctor $35 dollars. That was your last $35 dollars at that. So you’ve just sacrificed this week’s breakfast so you can leave the doctor’s office with an enormous hole in your arm, and with a satisfaction knowing that you never had HIV and that the blood test was pretty much useless.

Here's another one from Colby.

I had an Ephipany (FreeeStyle)
There I was sitting down onto my sofa not even realizing what I was about to encounter, an epiphany that would forever change the way I lived. I had fixed up a dinner plate full of spaghetti, and filled a glass of Diet Coke and kicked up my feet to finally relax and watch some TV. It finally appeared on TV. “My name is Earl.” My interest was sparked when realizing who was staring in it: Jason Lee co-starred in Stealing Harvard, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back all very classy movies. As I watched the events that occurred in front of me I was in complete awe. After finally the episode ending I sat there in a puddle of my own drool while I recollect of the knowledge I had just encountered.

Some of you may be familiar with this new sitcom that was just recently aired on TV. For those of you who are unaware and have yet to see the show, I will take time to explain it. To sum it up nicely, its basically a show about a guy named Earl who was a dick all his life and finally has an epiphany (just like I’m having) after watching Carson Daily talk about Karma. Earl then suddenly decides to make a list of all the people he was mean to and all the bad things he has done in life, and make up to it so he will have good Karma.

The wheels in my head were spinning fast, as I sat there on the couch. Surely, I’m not as big of a dick as this guy Earl was who is bad enough to amuse millions across America, but I’m sure there is someone out there who just despises me. I thought….I thought long and hard. I actually thought about it so long that I completely forgot about until several days later when me an old friend were talking.

“Yeah, I’m going to head over to Kristie ****’s house tonight.” It then hit me like a ton of shit in a wheel barrel. Kristie **** was this poor girl, who I felt righteously deserved it, that I picked fun on in high school.
“Oh…yeah,” I said back to my friend, “She don’t like me.”
“Yeah…no kidding. I was over there and mentioned your name and the mother goes ‘Colby? That’s the kid that should die right?.’” This threw me back a bit. I mean, was I that mean that the entire family hated me, though I have never even met them in my life? I mean at my house my home has some sense of caring and love when I say “so ‘n so is an ass“, my mother usual backs them up by saying, “Be nice Colby.” So this was my Karma. For every bad thing that has ever happened in my life, it could all relate back to her. I needed to solve this and become friends with her and finally make peace. This was going to be no easy task.

My first and only approach was take this task online. I saw her Screen Name there, just waiting to be instant messaged. That’s when I did it; I double clicked on her Screen Name and decided to speak with an old time foe from high school.

******The Following is Real Life Conversation Take From AOL Instant Messenger********

Mma3121 [9:08 PM]: hello, is lindse mitchel there? (I figured I would start the message off with something indirect to kind of catch her off guard a bit. I figured if she knew it was Colby Brown from the get go, I would be in for it deep and suffer the wrath of hell from a miserable beast.)

Kristie332 [9:08 PM]: umm she is going to be...why? who are u?

Mma3121 [9:08 PM]: this is John Pinkem and I have some urgent news for her (So I got a little carried away with the indirectness and got off topic. I had used a fake name. What was I thinking? I had to break it somehow that this was Colby…)

Kristie332 [9:08 PM]: umm who is john pinkem?
Kristie332 [9:08 PM]: umm alright well i'll tell her whne she gets here if u want me to

Mma3121 [9:09 PM]: umm going to be going otu soon (Mean to write “Umm going to be going out with her soon” but fucked up…I was scared…give me a break.

Kristie332 [9:09 PM]: what?

Mma3121 [9:09 PM]: But anyways Krusty, thats neither here nor there (This is where I fucked up. It turns out Krusty was the name I had called her all throughout high school. Who knew that the I and the U are so close and can be mixed up so easily. The wrath from hell was about to be unleashed…I could feel the tension through the computer screen.)

Kristie332 [9:09 PM]: who the fuck are u?

Mma3121 [9:09 PM]: John... (On paper, I looked calm as can be. Behind my computer screen I was crying for dear help and hiding behind blankets.)

Kristie332 [9:09 PM]: krusty? wtf...
Kristie332 [9:09 PM]: leave me the fuck alone
Kristie332 [9:10 PM]: you sound an awful lot like this piece of shit guy named colby that went to my school last year

Mma3121 [9:11 PM]: haha..o man u r good..isnt it amazing how u can get me after jus one spelling error...an I to a U (I thought it was time to break in some comic relief. What would you have done? Huh?)

Kristie332 [9:12 PM]: yeah ur such a loser

Mma3121 [9:12 PM]: i am not..i am a winner in the hearts of millions (Again, comic relief.)

Kristie332 [9:13 PM]: right...well why did you spell lindsay's name with an E..that's not how it is..and u dont have any urgent news so shut the fuck up...

Mma3121 [9:13 PM]: hahaha...its my slang (I’m trying to be as nice as possible. Karma has no mercy and neither does Kristy. She’s an angry girl as you can see.)

Kristie332 [9:13 PM]: yeah ur du,b
Kristie332 [9:13 PM]: dumb*

Mma3121 [9:14 PM]: NO ur du,BER! (I decided to capitalize on her spelling error and poke fun at the way she spelled dumb. I was getting sidetracked at once.)

Kristie332 [9:14 PM]: well too bad..sux u can't get ahold of her huh?

Mma3121 [9:14 PM]: ..no it doesnt actually (I actually didn’t care to speak to Lindsey, she is unaware of the fact that my mission is to be friends with her.)

Kristie332 [9:15 PM]: well that's cool
Kristie332 [9:15 PM]: colby ur a loser levae me the fuck alone

Mma3121 [9:15 PM]: look i wanted us to become friends (I come out and say it like a man.)

Kristie332 [9:15 PM]: well doen'st work like that by calling me krusty again for the hundredth time...i hate u..ur a piece ofs hit and i would'nt give a shit if someone put a bullet in ur head rightn ow

Mma3121 [9:15 PM]: I love u ....<3>Those are some harsh words. Bullet in the head? Shit…but then again nothing I’m not use to. I’ve received a matter of hundreds of death related comments throughout high school. But as you can see…I still put on the charm.)

Kristie332 [9:16 PM]: SHUT THE FUCK UP COLBY

Mma3121 [9:17 PM]: look seriously tho..i imed u jus to say hello and be freinds..the I to a U was an accidnet..look how close they are on the keyboad
Mma3121 [9:17 PM]: sorry.i jus wanted to say Hi so we can try to be freinds together ( I try to reason with her the best I can…this is an uphill battle. Believe me fellas.)

Kristie332 [9:17 PM]: umm nope
Kristie332 [9:17 PM]: ur a piece of shit colby...why would i want to waste my time and energy talkig to u
Kristie332 [9:17 PM]: ?

Mma3121 [9:18 PM]: that hurts...I tried..sorry Kristy
Mma3121 [9:18 PM]: Loves (I was beginning to lose faith, and going to throw in the towel)

Kristie332 [9:18 PM]: ur a loser...and th at's not how my fucking name is spelled...if u didn't see the screenname u are a pretty dumb fuck aren't u...see ya bolcy

Mma3121 [9:19 PM]: bolcy? (What the fuck is bolcy? Was my question)

Kristie332 [9:19 PM]: colby* sorry...

Mma3121 [9:19 PM]: its oaky..i spelled ur name wrong too...were even steven now (ahh see she spelled my name wrong. There was hope. Maybe she will come around.)

Kristie332 [9:19 PM]: right...except mine wasn't a fuck up like a U instead of an I and a Y instead of an IE

Mma3121 [9:21 PM]: eyeah..it happens (I was playing it smooth I felt)

Kristie332 [9:21 PM]: yeah bye

Mma3121 [9:21 PM]: kristy..
Mma3121 [9:21 PM]: why do u not like me?
Mma3121 [9:21 PM]: Im desperatly lookin for friends.. (I felt that maybe she would have mercy on my desperate soul…it was a desperate attempt…but it had to be done.)

Kristie332 [9:21 PM]: i can undersatnd why....i dont like you because you are a piece of shit and make fun of people and are just mean and are a loser...i dont see why people would ever want to be around u
Kristie332 [9:22 PM]: honestly..you are a waste of air on this fucking earth colby

Mma3121 [9:22 PM]: dont hold nething back kristy...tell me how u really feel (Her words were really beginning to boost my confidence. I can’t express to you how I good I felt at that moment.)

Kristie332 [9:22 PM]: haha i just did....and that's not how u spell my fucking name

Mma3121 [9:23 PM]: im improving
Mma3121 [9:23 PM]: i used the spell check that time
Mma3121 [9:24 PM]: so hows college for ya (I thought I’d change the subject…maybe she might lighten up?)

Kristie332 [9:24 PM]: well thats good dumbass...im out ttyl

Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: ur going to TTYL?
Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: Yes!!! **pumps fist in air*** (TTYL means talk to you later. There was hope! Yes success!)

Kristie332 [9:25 PM]: nah i wont actually...
Kristie332 [9:25 PM]: bye

Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: no...
Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: wut
Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: why?
Mma3121 [9:25 PM]: we made such good strides today (Again, I’m trying to reason with her. She won’t budge though.)

Kristie332 [9:25 PM]: ur so dumb colby..just leave me alone
Kristie332 [9:25 PM]: yeah if u wanna call ti that...bye

Mma3121 [9:26 PM]: i will
Mma3121 [9:26 PM]: what would u call it?

Kristie332 [9:26 PM]: good bye Colby

Mma3121 [9:26 PM]: Sweet dreams


So, as you can see this "My Name is Earl" show is complete bullshit. Here I was, thinking I had revealed the answer to life's questions. This illusion portrayed onto my TV screen that life is completely fair; we get what we put into it. I understand this show is meant for entertainmetn reasons but it had also given a young school boy like myself, hope into a life of peace and harmony. Could I sue them for such things?

I mean honestly, think about it. This was the type of reaction I got from talking to her online. What would have happened if I had taken the dumber approach and went to her house. Well, I can tell you what would have happened. The Bangor Police Department would have found parts of my body scattered all across the Penobscot County. Thats what would have happened. And after they found my body they would have revealed the story behind my grusome murder of their family unloading on my face with a giant machetti, and then throwing me in the dog dish for dinner.

Copyright (c) 2006 by Colby Brown

Free Java Chat from Bravenet.com Free Java Chat from Bravenet.com
Free Message Forum from Bravenet.com Free Message Forums from Bravenet.com